Every year in March, my school has an event called “Yellow Ribbon Week” which centers suicide awareness. This year, a guest speaker named Kevin Hines, who is known for surviving his jump off the Golden Gate Bridge at 19 years old, came to my school and spoke about his depression and what we can do to help support each other.
He explained that his peers would mock him due to his mixed ethnicity, and he felt that his family and friends would dismiss him, which resulted in him bottling up his true feelings. Eventually, when he decided to take his own life, he still felt ignored as he was visibly crying on the bus ride to the Golden Gate Bridge. Even as he stood by the railing, people walked past him.
The aftermath of Hines’s attempted suicide made him realize that his family and friends truly did care for him and that they were affected by his attempt. Now, he encourages people to avoid hiding their true feelings and emphasizes that feeling sad or angry at times is normal.
This made me think carefully about ways that we can help support each other, even those we’re not familiar with. If people are able to recognize that something “small” (whether it’s avoiding a rude comment or initiating an act of kindness) can really impact someone who is upset, they might be more careful about what they say to others. Also, you may not know what is going on in someone else’s personal life that might cause them to act a certain way.
Hines’s takeaway is to take notice and be engaged when we see someone who is struggling, but we need to be considerate and aware when we do so. You want to make sure what you’re doing is actually helping the other person instead of causing more harm.
It’s important to try to make an effort to support those struggling with depression but also realize what to avoid in order to not make the situation worse:
- Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.
Your intentions are good when you’re trying to help someone feel better and think more positively. It means that you care and don’t want to see someone you’re close with being dragged down, but you might not realize how it can worsen the situation.
Telling someone struggling with depression what to do may make them question themselves more. They likely are already not sure what choice to make, so when you try to give them advice, it may make them doubt everything and question their own judgment. You will never be completely familiar with someone’s situation, so the suggestions that you think would be best might not work for the person you’re trying to help.
- Try not to take things personally.
It’s frustrating when you see the same patterns happening over and over again, and even though you’re trying to help, you can only do so much before it gets to you. It can be difficult to get really involved because constantly having to take notice of someone’s negative thoughts might make you feel badly.
When you feel like this, it’s important to remember that those struggling with depression are already constantly blaming themselves, so if you take things personally, it’s adding the implication that they’re doing this on purpose. The person you’re trying to help might feel like they’re not your top priority and feel like they’re at fault, further adding to their burden.
Communication is key when you feel like you’re taking things personally and might need to take some time for yourself. Informing people about your boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care, but your own wellbeing is also important.
- Don’t downplay or ridicule someone else’s experience.
When someone you care about is going through something hard, you might feel inclined to avoid the subject or downplay it. It’s easy to be in denial when someone suddenly behaves in a way you don’t expect or that you’re not familiar with. Belittling comments may make them feel like their struggle isn’t real and can easily be resolved, when in reality it can’t.
“Filtering out negative thoughts” is easier said than done. Telling someone to “just get over it” makes them feel like their experience is unimportant, and they’ll feel like the struggle they’re facing is unjustified. You won’t ever know the extent of what someone is facing, so acting like it shouldn’t be there doesn’t help at all.
It’s important to have empathy for those struggling with depression, and everyone should make their best effort to help provide support. While doing this, it’s also important to think carefully about your responses and actions, as they might be more hurtful than helpful. You can help more than you think you can, and it’s always better to make listening your priority.